


Conventional Warfare

by Patriotter



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: 2016 Presidential Election, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6725869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patriotter/pseuds/Patriotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As things come down to the wire at the 2016 Republican convention, Donald Trump reveals his true form as a space alien, and everyone puts the "contest" in "contested convention."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conventional Warfare

It was time for the Republican convention. Everything was decked out in red, white, and blue (but mostly red and not as much blue, because no one wanted to look like a Democrat). Ceremonial elephants paraded around as the candidates and senior party members arrived, one by one.

None of the candidates had secured a majority of the delegates, so the convention was going to be contested. No one knew what to expect. Even so, little did they realize just what lay in store...

"We will now commence the first round of voting," said the Republican party leader guy whom nobody had heard of (his name is Reince Priebus if you care).

All the delegates came forward and dropped little papers into a box so they could be counted. When they were done, the party leader guy looked at the box and said, "No one got a majority!"

"What?!" shouted Trump. "I got the most votes!"

"You got the most votes, and the most in most of the votes, but not most of the votes," explained the guy.

"That doesn't make sense!" Trump truthed for once. "Looks like it's time to reveal my real form."

Trump's hair suddenly got bigger and spikier with tendrils, and his eyes got all weird, as he revealed his true alien form!

"Bow before me, earthlings, and I will make America great again!"

The most people (but not most of the people) bowed before him and said, "Who is like The Donald, and who can stand against him?"

But Cruz and Kasich stood up and shouted, "Stop!"

Alien Trump smirked at them. "You dare defy THE DONALD?"

"Yes," said Cruz, loosening his tie dramatically. "Looks like this is gonna be... a contested convention."

Cruz rocketed into the air, bearing down on Trump with his Cruz Missile attack. But Kasich got in his way with his own attack and they both missed. While they were blaming each other, Trump roundhouse kicked them both to the back of the convention hall where all the failed candidates were.

"SAD!" shouted Trump.

"He's right," said Kasich. "We're all gonna have to work together to beat him."

The failed candidates looked at one another warily, not sure if they should help or run away. But then Carly Fiorina stepped forward and said, "I'll help you, Cruz!"

Everyone nodded and swore a pact to work together. They could never let Trump have his way with America.

But just as they started to plan the battle, the ground started quaking beneath their feet. It was... the elephants!

The Republican elephants rushed forward, goaded into red-hot rage by Trump's insanity chips that he had implanted in their brains. "YES! TRUMPLE THEM ALL!" he shouted.

Chris Christie dropped a bridge on the elephants, but it wasn't enough to stop the charge. The elephants squished Jim Gilmore and all the other candidates that no one remembers anything funny about. The rest of them barely dodged out of the way in time. Then Jeb! fired his moderate beam at the elephants, and they all stopped acting crazy.

They turned to attack Trump, but while they were busy with the elephants, Trump had built a wall so they couldn't get to him.

"You may be safe there, but you can't show up to the debates!" said Cruz.

"I don't need to! IT'S TIME, CARSON!"

Everyone turned to Ben Carson. They hadn't realized it until just then, but he had been a zombie candidate all along! He jumped at Rand Paul and was about to eat his brains but then he realized he had gotten him mixed up with Ron Paul and paused, confused.

"Why are you doing this?" asked Carly Fiorina.

"We must all serve the aliens..." said Zombie Carson in a zombie voice.

"No, Ben!" shouted Jeb! "Don't you remember? Remember the pyramids!"

"Built by... aliens...?"

"They were built by Joseph to keep the grain safe FROM the aliens!"

Zombie Carson clutched his head. "Keep the grain... I remember..."

"NO!" cried Trump, but it was too late. His control over Carson had ben broken.

"My polling numbers are still better than any of yours'!" shouted Trump.

"Yes. There's only one way to win this," said Kasich. "We have to fuse into one."

Cruz, Kasich, Fiorina, Jeb!, Christie, Carson, Paul, and even Gilmore, Huckabee, and Graham (even though they were squished) all flew into the air and spiralled together. There was a flash of light, and they fused into one giant candidate that looked kind of like all of them (so mostly just an old white guy). The combined being was called NeverTrump.

NeverTrump attacked Trump's wall with a huge laser, rockets, missiles, and even logic, but everything just bounced off it.

"There's still something missing!" shouted Jeb! from inside NeverTrump.

"Fools!" shouted Trump, and a gap opened in the wall so he could attack. "You're... FIRED!"

Trump drained all the power from his supporters and shot out a massive wave of fire at NeverTrump. There was no way they could dodge in time. The fire had almost reached them when... suddenly, something flew in the way and blocked it!

Something human-sized, but made of heat-resistant metal.

"Macro Rubio!" shouted NeverTrump.

"Trump... does not... compute...!" said Rubio defiantly as he melted in the fire.

Trump had run out of power from his supporters, so he stopped the fire and closed up the wall again. It was too late for Rubio, but his robot soul rose from his body and joined with NeverTrump!

And with it... another departed spirit.

A hush fell over the convention hall.

NeverTrump said, "It's time."

BASH!

"To tear down!"

SMASH!

"THIS WALL!!"

"No!" cried Trump. But it was too late for him.

NeverTrump channelled the power of all the candidates, and all the Republicans of history, and Rubio and Reagan's souls, and hurled Trump deep into outer space.

"Noooooooo!" Trump's voice trailed off into the sky.

NeverTrump watched him go, and said with satisfaction, "It's morning in America."

Everyone cheered.

...

"So uh, who's our candidate now?" asked Reince Priebus.


End file.
